It's been three years since I've posted here. Three years. Which means I now have an almost 5th grader and an almost 3rd grader! I refuse to acknowledge they are actually in those grades at this point. It's summer!
In all that time so much has changed. Craziness of life has waxed and waned, juggling of life has been managed however it might have seemed as though it wouldn't be from time to time. Kids have grown.
Lots of things have changed.
The world, for one.
In light of all that. This post is a rather long one. My crazy year in review if you will. I promise future posts will be shorter, but this one is important to me to post. To tell our story. To tell my story, how my life has irrevocably changed - some ways for the better, in others, perhaps less so.
In an effort not to get too far ahead of myself, I will start by saying that last summer a bolt of inspiration hit and after a serious discussion with My Love, I decided to 'retire' from graphic design. It was time. I had become bone weary trying to balance motherhood and work responsibilities, even though they were kept strictly separate.
I realized that I was getting worn down with work, and even trying to give myself a break between working and picking up munchkins, I just didn't have it in me all the time. In truth, it was increasingly difficult to keep Mean Mommy in the box where she belonged, and I hated when I failed and the girls suffered for it.
So... on to simpler and better things!
I spent the Fall trying to fill up my schedule with all the things I hadn't been doing as a busy working mom, like volunteering even more in school, at church, keeping the house as spotless as possible, preparing homemade bars and snacks instead of purchasing pre-packaged ones. All those perfect mom things we let ourselves believe are possible.
The only problem was that didn't actually leave any time for me.
Here's what I realized - there needs to be a decompression period after you quit working where you don't do anything. You don't add in a single extra thing. Do only what's necessary to keep the family healthy and relatively happy. Focus on you.
This process feels very much like you are a lazy, worthless slob. But in truth? You're finding out who you really are. The things that enliven you that have been squashed by the responsibility you've heaped on yourself for so long. Give yourself a chance to just be for a little while. Just be.
What happens next is an interesting and surprising journey.
I spent the Winter realizing I had just filled up all the gloriously empty time I had found for myself with things for other people. Things I was now not even getting paid for. I had traded a draining work schedule for an equally draining, yet guilt driven schedule. I was proving my worth to myself and others by filling the time I would have been working with what I judged to be other worthy pursuits. And I was just as tired as before.
With the holidays came a ramping up of activity, but a slowing down of expectations for other people. Life was revolving entirely around the holiday craze as it usually does. But the difference between this year and others, was as soon as the holidays were over... I did something completely different.
I didn't add all that stuff back in.
Sure I still got the phone calls for volunteering. I got the emails from school for all the upcoming events which sent a guilty pang that I resolutely ignored. We only attended events that the children had their hearts set on, and a surprising and unexpected peace started to descend over my life.
January was my month. In January, I said no. I only signed up for things I was excited to do. I spent more time with my friends, and more time on myself. And slowly... oh so slowly, I felt myself begin to relax and enjoy what each day brought with it.
Eventually the end of January came. And I still wasn't tired. The end of each day was fun and relaxing. I played games with My Love, we watched movies together and chatted. I spent time with my friends chatting and working on fun projects together that we hadn't made time for. I hung out with my mother and spend time talking about all the important things in our lives.
I found me. I just hadn't realized I'd lost her.
Then February hit, and I spent a week in the woods with my eldest and her classroom. When I got home, I spent a pleasant few days with My Love and The Bean before school started back up and I had to do the running around thing. Unfortunately. I got sick... very sick. I was so worn out I stayed in bed for three days. THREE DAYS. To be clear, I have allergies. I get sick sometimes. I don't stay in bed. Mom's don't take a day off. But occasionally if things are really bad, I realize I have to throw the white flag and take a day. One. Never more than one.
But in February? I was out for the count, barely functioning for three solid days. It felt like I had been hit by a truck, and an elephant was standing on my chest. Went to bed one night feeling awesome, and the next day wham! Elephant, truck... bed for three days. Even when I finally managed to heave myself out of my covers, I could barely make it to the bathroom. I couldn't make myself anything to eat. I was just so tired. And even when I started to feel better I was still so worn down.
The exhaustion lasted for two weeks. I was slow. My brain didn't seem able to keep up adequately. I had a nasty cough that lasted forever, and if I stood up too long I could feel the energy drain out of me. It was not ideal.
Finally, I began functioning once again like a normal human being. Tired but functional, and life proceeded once more.
My slower routine was re-established, and plans to go on an adults-only trip with friends were arranged. March looked as though it promised to be an awesome month. Then the world turned upside down.
It didn't look the way you read about it in books. People weren't running around like crazy stockpiling water and emergency supplies. They were grabbing easy-to-make meals and toilet paper. In fact, Toilet Paper had become such a hot commodity, that stores couldn't keep it in stock. Suppliers couldn't get it fast enough. Shelves were bare and lines wrapped around buildings. Even the church cancelled all in person meetings world wide. Something so far unheard of. In two days the world went from normal to someplace totally unfamiliar.
The Coronavirus had come to California.
We cancelled our plans, and battened down the proverbial hatches. The shutdown came with almost a feeling of finality. As though you could hear windows and doors being invisibly barred. Our town went from being a busy thriving place to a ghost town. A lone tumbleweed blowing through downtown wouldn't have surprised me... if I had been outside to see it.
The lives we lived everyday, the things we had deemed important, everything came to a screeching halt.
Two weeks. We could do this for two weeks.
**Continued in 'a new day' ***
In all that time so much has changed. Craziness of life has waxed and waned, juggling of life has been managed however it might have seemed as though it wouldn't be from time to time. Kids have grown.
Lots of things have changed.
The world, for one.
In light of all that. This post is a rather long one. My crazy year in review if you will. I promise future posts will be shorter, but this one is important to me to post. To tell our story. To tell my story, how my life has irrevocably changed - some ways for the better, in others, perhaps less so.
In an effort not to get too far ahead of myself, I will start by saying that last summer a bolt of inspiration hit and after a serious discussion with My Love, I decided to 'retire' from graphic design. It was time. I had become bone weary trying to balance motherhood and work responsibilities, even though they were kept strictly separate.
I realized that I was getting worn down with work, and even trying to give myself a break between working and picking up munchkins, I just didn't have it in me all the time. In truth, it was increasingly difficult to keep Mean Mommy in the box where she belonged, and I hated when I failed and the girls suffered for it.
So... on to simpler and better things!
I spent the Fall trying to fill up my schedule with all the things I hadn't been doing as a busy working mom, like volunteering even more in school, at church, keeping the house as spotless as possible, preparing homemade bars and snacks instead of purchasing pre-packaged ones. All those perfect mom things we let ourselves believe are possible.
The only problem was that didn't actually leave any time for me.
Here's what I realized - there needs to be a decompression period after you quit working where you don't do anything. You don't add in a single extra thing. Do only what's necessary to keep the family healthy and relatively happy. Focus on you.
This process feels very much like you are a lazy, worthless slob. But in truth? You're finding out who you really are. The things that enliven you that have been squashed by the responsibility you've heaped on yourself for so long. Give yourself a chance to just be for a little while. Just be.
What happens next is an interesting and surprising journey.
I spent the Winter realizing I had just filled up all the gloriously empty time I had found for myself with things for other people. Things I was now not even getting paid for. I had traded a draining work schedule for an equally draining, yet guilt driven schedule. I was proving my worth to myself and others by filling the time I would have been working with what I judged to be other worthy pursuits. And I was just as tired as before.
With the holidays came a ramping up of activity, but a slowing down of expectations for other people. Life was revolving entirely around the holiday craze as it usually does. But the difference between this year and others, was as soon as the holidays were over... I did something completely different.
I didn't add all that stuff back in.
Sure I still got the phone calls for volunteering. I got the emails from school for all the upcoming events which sent a guilty pang that I resolutely ignored. We only attended events that the children had their hearts set on, and a surprising and unexpected peace started to descend over my life.
January was my month. In January, I said no. I only signed up for things I was excited to do. I spent more time with my friends, and more time on myself. And slowly... oh so slowly, I felt myself begin to relax and enjoy what each day brought with it.
Eventually the end of January came. And I still wasn't tired. The end of each day was fun and relaxing. I played games with My Love, we watched movies together and chatted. I spent time with my friends chatting and working on fun projects together that we hadn't made time for. I hung out with my mother and spend time talking about all the important things in our lives.
I found me. I just hadn't realized I'd lost her.
Then February hit, and I spent a week in the woods with my eldest and her classroom. When I got home, I spent a pleasant few days with My Love and The Bean before school started back up and I had to do the running around thing. Unfortunately. I got sick... very sick. I was so worn out I stayed in bed for three days. THREE DAYS. To be clear, I have allergies. I get sick sometimes. I don't stay in bed. Mom's don't take a day off. But occasionally if things are really bad, I realize I have to throw the white flag and take a day. One. Never more than one.
But in February? I was out for the count, barely functioning for three solid days. It felt like I had been hit by a truck, and an elephant was standing on my chest. Went to bed one night feeling awesome, and the next day wham! Elephant, truck... bed for three days. Even when I finally managed to heave myself out of my covers, I could barely make it to the bathroom. I couldn't make myself anything to eat. I was just so tired. And even when I started to feel better I was still so worn down.
The exhaustion lasted for two weeks. I was slow. My brain didn't seem able to keep up adequately. I had a nasty cough that lasted forever, and if I stood up too long I could feel the energy drain out of me. It was not ideal.
Finally, I began functioning once again like a normal human being. Tired but functional, and life proceeded once more.
My slower routine was re-established, and plans to go on an adults-only trip with friends were arranged. March looked as though it promised to be an awesome month. Then the world turned upside down.
It didn't look the way you read about it in books. People weren't running around like crazy stockpiling water and emergency supplies. They were grabbing easy-to-make meals and toilet paper. In fact, Toilet Paper had become such a hot commodity, that stores couldn't keep it in stock. Suppliers couldn't get it fast enough. Shelves were bare and lines wrapped around buildings. Even the church cancelled all in person meetings world wide. Something so far unheard of. In two days the world went from normal to someplace totally unfamiliar.
The Coronavirus had come to California.
We cancelled our plans, and battened down the proverbial hatches. The shutdown came with almost a feeling of finality. As though you could hear windows and doors being invisibly barred. Our town went from being a busy thriving place to a ghost town. A lone tumbleweed blowing through downtown wouldn't have surprised me... if I had been outside to see it.
The lives we lived everyday, the things we had deemed important, everything came to a screeching halt.
Two weeks. We could do this for two weeks.
**Continued in 'a new day' ***